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You've done acting, writing, comedy and now hosting the BAFTAS. What exactly is your job description these days?

Er... Interesting point. I've never really worked out if I'm more in writing than in acting. There are certain stupid things in acting that earn you a lot very quickly for doing nothing, like, doing voice-overs...

What's the most awful thing you've voiced over?

Well, it's very hard to put 'sex' into certain financial products. The worst ones are unquestionably the in-house ones. I mean, a really big international company who are making an animated film about The Brand. And it's aimed at middle management and teaching them to respect The Brand. A major oil company with a symbol not unlike a scallop. And they were being told "Always say the brand with a capital letter - it's not just "shell", it's [pause] "Shell". While piles of vomit were heaping up either side of my feet. It was absurd.

Bafta moves to pre-Oscar date - a canny move?

I think it's a very good thing. If we're honest there was always something a little deflating about the BAFTAs following the Oscars. Spotting the window between the Golden Globes and The Oscars was a very smart move.

Do Americans really admire our creativity?

If we're to be grown up about it, Americans make films here for one reason and one reason only, because it's a tax advantage. Obviously they couldn't do that in any country with a weak economy, it had to have some kind of backup and tradition as well.

Your own predictions?

I think mine will be dull-ly like evryone else. I'm sure that people won't ignore Gladiator for art-direction and for direction, possibly. As far as actresses go, most people are assuming that Julia Roberts will get a look-in for Erin Brokovich.

And actors?

Well, I have the greatest respect for Russell Crowe, but it's not really the kind of part that acting awards go to. Tom Hanks seems to have 'award' written across his face. He's supposed to have gone all thin for Castaway, but from the posters he doesn't look that thin to me. I expect, you know, real Auschwitz, not someone looking like they've spent a week at a fat farm.

Luvvies do love awards, don't they?

Credits are deeply important in the industry, across the board - writers, directors, technicians. And it's enormously important for someone like, say, Julia Roberts, because she's got nothing else. Which sounds awful, as though you feel sorry for her, but if you're only a film-star, then they really do matter.

Plainly, we only watch to see the fixed grins on the faces of the unsuccessful nominees. Does that take some rehearsing?

Ah yes, Failure Rictus, indeed it does. It's the most miserable thing. And sometimes it's so cruel - there's two similar names on the list, a Tim and a Tom, say, and the Tttttt... seems to last an eternity when they announce it.

So - BAFTA or Oscars?

It always staggers me with the Oscars. I wonder if they conducted some kind of plebiscite and said "Hands up who likes the musical bits with the dancers?" There would not be a single person on the planet, would there? Absolutely wants to see it, yet it's there very time. I mean, in the end, it's a clip-show. But there seems to be a pretty endless appetite for that.

How does one get into the hosting gig?

I remember being asked to do it 4 or 5 years ago, and I said "I'll do it if I'm allowed to be completely un-ironic. I want to go back 40 years and say 'And now a glittering star of stage and screen, Miss Joan Collins', and not some fucking clever-clever remark."

Speaking of - have you ever failed to police your own mouth?

I've never gone as far as... well Julian Clary springs to mind. I don't think I have. Touch wood.

Prince Charles - you once called him your 'sexual destiny'

I know him quite well, and tease him affectionately, saying camp things that no one else would, so it's quite likely that I called him a honeybun or something.

As BAFTA patron, his sister will be there - think she'll mind?

Oh no. She's not really like the rest of the Windsors, is she? I remember John Cleese once said at a Writer's Guild award ceremony, "I never do this unless two conditions are satisfied: one, there mustn't be any cameras present, becuase I'm fucked if I'm going to do television for free; two, there mustn't be any members of the Sachs Koburg persuasion. Not that I dislike them or anything, they just turn everyone around them into the most awful greasy prefects." Which is so true. it's just horrible. But Princess Anne's an exception to all that - you hardly notice she's there.

What's the most disgraceful behaviour you've witnessed at an award ceremony?

My own, I suppose. It was a few years ago at the Evening Standard film awards, and I was presenting one award, best actress I think. Now, I never drink until I do my bit and I was on a table with Robbie Coltrane. And Robbie's one of these people who's very good at winking at the wine waiter and suddenly there are more bottles on your table than anyone else's, and you don't quite know how he's achieved it. So I'd saved up four brandies, three ports and three glasses of wine which I hadn't touched, but when I'd done my bit, I just went glug glug glug, which gets me drunk very quickly. Then the papparazzi spotted Robert De Niro at a nearby table and shot over. One of them put an elbow into Sally Field's face, and the other into Anthony Hopkins face in order to try and get through. I started yelling and yelling "Have you any idea who this woman IS!?" Not that I'm a particualrly big fan of Sally Field - I've always found her rather dull and prosey and self-righteous.

So you rescued her. Who rescued you?

Kenneth Branagh. It was at the time when he and Emma Thompson were still together - they had a suite for the night at the hotel, so Kenneth invited me up for a drink, and there was De Niro. Now, by this time, the brandies were starting to swill around inside me and I do not remember a single moment of going into this hotel suite. But apparently I sat in De Niro's lap, with an arm around him, telling him all about film-acting. I rang the next day and said "Emma, was I very drunk last night?", and she said "I didn't notice anything at all... [lengthy pause] But Ken did..." So I've never dared be in the same room as Robert De Niro again.

Links:

• Arena - http://www.emapmagazines.co.uk/